real feeling & thoughts

So it have been awhile I did not posted anything on my blog.
I have been lazy.

But lately things happen which I dont know what I'm suppose to do.
At first I got him angry cause of stupid things I said to him,which he was just being sweet giving me surprise by coming over my house to be with me.

But today, I brust out in the office. For the first time is about my personally stuff.
I done this crying thing in office before but is cause due to work.
But this time was not. obviously not.

I'm trying my best to change myself so that I could fit him also to be a better person.
But is hard,very hard. Till I kinda giving up.
I doing this for us,but I'm not sure does he even know or see about it.
I kinda dont believe myself I can be this way.

If last for me I dont even give a damn about it,I will say whatever I want to say.
But now I'm worry that he might not like it or even hate me for saying so.
So end up there is alot of stuff I would not dare to even tell him about.
Caus all I'm worry about is how he think of me & dump me.
I fall too hard this time. Till I'm scare that I get hurt like the past few time so I'm willing to do anything to make him stay. Sometime I even feel I have lost myself,just to please him.

It is no longer like last time when we first meet,we get to talk about anything & joking about stuff.
Now all I get is,can you not be like this. is inmature or childish.
i'm this girl right,playful,childish & crazy emo girl.
and all i can be now is always think serious think mature i cant be pamper.
actually i hate it. i love being pamper. i have been pamper for my whole life is what i live for.
i know i cant be pamper always or by anyone. i just need some from you just to know that hey,i love you that why i'm doing so.

your wall is getting harder to climb,is like the harder i become the higher it goes.
what is the use of having a gf which you dont tell things too?
what is the use of having a gf which you only share the angry & hate you have??
i wanna have a heart to heart talk to you.
i wanna let you know the real me instead of the becoming your wanna be gf.

i might look strong always.
but inside once in awhile i need a shoulder to cry on & just shut up listen to me & will tell everything is going to be okay.
not that when i trying to tell you something you will always end up saying i think too much or ddly too much or even being childish.
i hate this word!! at least please try to understand what i'm saying till you tell me this.
we have different life is for sure,but i love you that is why i'm making effort to understand you & change.

i know the feeling of being hurt. it really hurt & suck.
which i never wan to go through.
i really hoping that we can be each other last ones.
but i'm not sure what are your thoughts. (wishing it is thinking the same)

after all this crap i have write , one thing that i can be sure is i really love you.
like no others.
all i wan is just be with you.