push through

so have cry and told dear about it have that day. during that night he got so mad cause i called after his basketball,is was a no no to call him after that cause he said before but i was so down i really wanna talk to him. but after telling i cry in the office his tone go different his become soft and wanna understand why im so sad. so we talk crap and abit of real feel. we hang on the phone till 1a,the next day was so freaking sleepy!! he went on half mc. hehehe. i feel bad cause of me he have not even sleep. :p

he ask me to go movie last night but it was cancel end up i rush all my way to JJ to sing k and celebrate mic birthday. have fun with him cause maybe just nice we both are in very good mood ba. i even get pamper abit from him indircetly.

after that we got into a small non yelling type of fight cause of him keep saying i dont trust him by right i did not even say something like this. so talk about and understand it. i gotta remember it by heart so that i will not reply the same mistake.

real feeling & thoughts

So it have been awhile I did not posted anything on my blog.
I have been lazy.

But lately things happen which I dont know what I'm suppose to do.
At first I got him angry cause of stupid things I said to him,which he was just being sweet giving me surprise by coming over my house to be with me.

But today, I brust out in the office. For the first time is about my personally stuff.
I done this crying thing in office before but is cause due to work.
But this time was not. obviously not.

I'm trying my best to change myself so that I could fit him also to be a better person.
But is hard,very hard. Till I kinda giving up.
I doing this for us,but I'm not sure does he even know or see about it.
I kinda dont believe myself I can be this way.

If last for me I dont even give a damn about it,I will say whatever I want to say.
But now I'm worry that he might not like it or even hate me for saying so.
So end up there is alot of stuff I would not dare to even tell him about.
Caus all I'm worry about is how he think of me & dump me.
I fall too hard this time. Till I'm scare that I get hurt like the past few time so I'm willing to do anything to make him stay. Sometime I even feel I have lost myself,just to please him.

It is no longer like last time when we first meet,we get to talk about anything & joking about stuff.
Now all I get is,can you not be like this. is inmature or childish.
i'm this girl right,playful,childish & crazy emo girl.
and all i can be now is always think serious think mature i cant be pamper.
actually i hate it. i love being pamper. i have been pamper for my whole life is what i live for.
i know i cant be pamper always or by anyone. i just need some from you just to know that hey,i love you that why i'm doing so.

your wall is getting harder to climb,is like the harder i become the higher it goes.
what is the use of having a gf which you dont tell things too?
what is the use of having a gf which you only share the angry & hate you have??
i wanna have a heart to heart talk to you.
i wanna let you know the real me instead of the becoming your wanna be gf.

i might look strong always.
but inside once in awhile i need a shoulder to cry on & just shut up listen to me & will tell everything is going to be okay.
not that when i trying to tell you something you will always end up saying i think too much or ddly too much or even being childish.
i hate this word!! at least please try to understand what i'm saying till you tell me this.
we have different life is for sure,but i love you that is why i'm making effort to understand you & change.

i know the feeling of being hurt. it really hurt & suck.
which i never wan to go through.
i really hoping that we can be each other last ones.
but i'm not sure what are your thoughts. (wishing it is thinking the same)

after all this crap i have write , one thing that i can be sure is i really love you.
like no others.
all i wan is just be with you.